…and consider changing your approach.

My Grandfather, my Mom’s father, was an amazing man.  A war veteran and a New York City firefighter.  But these two experiences didn’t necessarily match up with his ever so gentle approach to people.  A gentle and engaging soul.  I loved him dearly.

When my grandmother died some years ago, I flew down to Florida to attend her funeral and my approach to addressing death changed forever.  I never told my Grandfather this before he died but now, in his name, I share it with you.  After the funeral we were back at his house and he brought me into his bedroom.  He first showed me that he kept my number in his wallet because he thought I was a good person to talk to and then with his lip quivering he said this, “Ted, people keep telling me that I should be grateful that I had so many years with Grandma, but what they don’t understand is that it is just many more years to miss.”

I have never, since that day, told someone going through a loss that “It will be ok”, “That in time things will get back to normal”, “that you should celebrate and be grateful for the time you did have”.  In other words, I have never stripped someone of the allowance to feel what they feel and to express it.  At least when it comes to death.  Not in other areas of life as you will read.

Since then, I have paid close attention to this in varying aspects of life.  The idea that in today’s world, in my opinion, there is not a lot of allowance to feel and express feelings.  And therefore truly grow.  We go for the easy fix.  We minimize the truth and attempt to rationalize things instead of facing them. We do it to other people and we do it to ourselves.  Let me give some real examples to help illustrate this.

~ Not too long ago I got hit with the blow.  It comes at unexpected times and hits hard.  It’s the blow that my father would never meet my sons, has never met my wife, he can’t be here to celebrate the work that I now do…I would never hug him again.  I wanted him here. I said, “I just wish my Dad was here”, and the response I got was, “But he is with you”.  In that moment I became angry.  He is not here, not the way I wanted him to be.  He will never meet my sons.  That is factual, to me.  And nothing anyone can say or how I choose to live in his name will change that.  I shut down.

~ I client of mine came to me with some pretty deep insecurities regarding his ability to do his job.  I listened to him briefly and immediately starting telling him how smart he was and that he could in fact do his job.  I visibly saw him shut down.  Luckily, I recognized my mistake and backtracked.  By slowing down I got him to open up again and allowed him to express the full scope of what he was feeling.  Not surprising, my initial comments to him did not address what the core issue was.  Had I continued to shut him down with praise (sounds crazy but it is true…praise can shut someone down) I would have never been equipped with the information I needed to better coach him.

~ A dear friend of mine lost his mother this past year.  I went to the funeral.  He was stellar.  Composed.  After the funeral he told me he was fine.  In the ensuing weeks I checked in on him numerous times and always got the same stoic response….All was good.  But then slowly but surely his behavior started to change at work.  He was somewhat shut down.  Not the personable leader I had come to know.  So I scheduled a meeting with him away from his building.  A safer environment…one of allowance.  I simply let him know that I loved him and that he is safe with me and that perhaps he should not minimize his feelings.  He folded and rightfully so.  He let it out, expressed he felt broken and articulated just what he felt about losing his mother.  His climb back upwards started at that moment.

~ My wife was in a bit of a funk a few moths back.  I didn’t know what was going on but eventually she came to me in tears saying that she questioned if she was a good mother and making the right decisions with our boys.  I immediately went into telling her that she was an amazing mother.  She shut down and eventually told me that she just needed me to listen.  I did not create the allowance for her to let out what was inside of her.  In that moment I failed her.

~A client of mine shared that she had slipped disks in her back.  Oh, but it was fine.  Really?  She has two young kids and is an active person and business woman.  She has to be scared out of her mind of what could be.  Surgery?  Mobility?  Pain?  Not so fine.

So as you can see in the above examples, despite that fact that this is something that I have become acutely aware of, I continuously screw it up.  It is important to note that almost always, when we strip someone of the allowance to express how they feel, we have the right intent.  I am not questioning that here.  I am simply trying to get us to think about our approach and the damage we do sometimes when trying to provide the “comforting words” or “quick solution”.  We actually nullify people’s deeper feelings and therefore are not really equipped with the information we really need to help them along.  How could we be when they shut down because we minimized what they were actually saying?  Also note that we do this to ourselves all the time.  You know, “I am fine”.

It’s time to change this.  We need to create the allowance in our personal and professional lives for the people we care about and lead…and for ourselves.  If we act like a “know it all” in front of the people we lead do you think they feel allowed to ask questions?  No.  If we constantly are telling people that we are fine when we are dying inside how they can be there for us….truly. They can’t.  If we continue to minimize people’s insecurities or feelings by telling them “it’s ok” or “that they are smart” do you think they will feel allowed to express their truths in the future?  No.

I am asking you to pay close attention to this in the next few days.  During the holidays and at the end of the year, many people are more vulnerable.  Please go back and read my post “Wave the White Flag”.  Here I am not asking you to be vulnerable (although I still strongly encourage that), I am asking you to recognize the times when you essentially shut someone down…despite having the right intention.  Someone who was brave enough and trusted you enough to be vulnerable.  You see, my Grandfather really needed to talk about all those years he was missing.  He just lost the love of his life.  His companion.  And in that moment, in his bedroom, he was vulnerable, and taught me a valuable lesson.

I am not bashing people’s intentions or saying not to “celebrate life” or live in darkness…spend your life in tears.  I surely am not saying to not give praise.  Just know when to and when to simply listen. If we allow for a little more darkness then perhaps people will experience more light.

To nail it home, I was listening to some music on the treadmill this morning and in one song, “I Drive Your Truck”  by Lee Brice, he sings about his father being ashamed of him for crying because he was gone (Passed).  It hit me, I want my two sons to cry when I am gone.  Not to “man up” and celebrate my life.  I want them to be vulnerable and have the allowance to miss their father.  But if they are going to be able to do that not only must I allow that now but our society has to change some things in how we approach each other.

I admit, I find it hard to coach on this topic.  I find it difficult to fully explain and hope that my examples resonate with you.  I can tell you, as I have become more aware of this, I have connected with people on deeper levels, been able to be more effective as a coach and trusted advisor, and have given my self more allowance to be truthful with myself.  So please, pay attention to yourself and your response to the people you encounter.  Are you creating allowance or offering up the “right thing” to say?

I sincerely wish you a Happy Holiday season.  A season filled with joy and allowance.  And hope that 2016 is a year of engagement, deep evolution, and fulfillment in LIFE and LEADERSHIP.

Stay True,

Ted