I would get a few feet from the car in the 5th grade, turn around, and my Dad would be giving me a thumbs up. In high school, before my football, basketball or baseball game would start, I would find my Dad in the stands, lock eyes and he would give me a thumbs up…I returned it and was ready to play. I remember vividly walking down the ramp at the airport in Philadelphia, turning around and Dad would still be standing there giving me a thumbs up. And even when he was dying and his body starting to wither from cancer, when I would leave his bedside, he would give me a thumbs up. Damn it. The tears rolling down my face as I write this scream how badly I could use a thumbs up about now.
When was the last time you hit a wall mentally, physically, emotionally or all the above? For me, it’s been a rough month. Nothing specifically bad has happened. Just busy in life and work. I just feel heavy, tired, confused. I have been asking myself questions that many of you will probably relate with. What am I trying to accomplish in life…at home and at work? Would my family be ok if something was to happen to me? Do my clients find value in me? Am I present enough with my family? A good father? Interesting enough I coach people on these very questions almost daily yet lately they have captured the depths of me. The end result, I have been wanting just 30 minutes with Dad. I want to talk to him, hug him, and when I walk away I want to turnaround and get a thumbs up…that affirming thumbs up that more than a thousand times let me know everything was ok.
In the past month I started to give my sons a thumbs up. As I write this I realize that I have been trying to channel my father and connect with my sons in a special way. If that made me feel special for all those years maybe it will do the same for my two little beloveds?
Well, my father used to tell me you have to create what you want. Want more adventure, create it? Want more romance in your relationship, create it? He was right…again.
About three weeks ago I had to go on a day long business trip that wouldn’t have gotten me home in time to tuck my boys in. Not only that but I had to leave the house before they got up. So at about 3:30 in the morning I recorded a video for them and ended it with “Daddy Loves you and will be home tonight….be good for Mommy…Thumbs Up”. And gave them a thumbs up. I sent it to Angel to show them when they got up…she said the boys loved it. Well, I woke up the other morning with Jaxon and he wanted my phone…as he often does. He likes to look at the pictures and videos. About 5 minutes later I looked over and was touched by an angel. Jaxon was giving my phone a thumbs up (he had found and was watching the video I made). I just sat there and teared up. It indeed was a timely thumbs up.
I should add that in the last week both my beautiful sons are giving me thumbs up consistently and I am touched. To be completely honest with you, this quick post was a stream of consciousness. I am not sure there is a lesson in it. Perhaps it is to allow yourself to feel pain when it arrives. Give yourself the allowance to be human and feel heavy. Connect with past, but wonderful feelings and recreate them in some way. Perhaps it is to slow down and recognize that all is good, until it isn’t. Maybe, selfishly, I had to write down certain things to get them out. I don’t know, but in any event, I appreciate you allowing me to write this on this day…it must have been needed.
Stay with me and please share TedsTruth…more thought provoking posts about life and leadership coming your way.
Stay True,
Ted