I drive a 4 cylinder Honda Accord. Great car by many measures. It’s about 6 years old, in good condition and best of all…it is paid in full. Lately I have been throwing around the idea of getting a new car. A faster car. One with a fancier name on the hood. One that would…feed my ego. Now look, I am not judging anyone that drives a nice car or that has nice things. I have nice things and my wife drives her dream car. I am judging myself. I am judging myself because when I really explore why I have been considering buying a new car it is because I have been comparing myself to other people. Whether it be people I know or the good looking guy in a BMW that pulled up next to me at the stop light. I call this a “shake my head moment”. I have to stop and shake some sense back into my brain and reconnect with myself.

I actually don’t really want a new car. I like my honda, the gas mileage it gets and that it is paid off. But when I compared myself to others, I started to convince myself that I did. I am NOT getting a new car.

What drives us to compare ourselves to other people? Constantly. What drives us to compare our businesses to other ‘more successful’ businesses? Constantly.

Is it simply that we are wired to want what we don’t have? I have always been aware of this in myself and others.  I have heard that you can’t “compare apples to oranges”, but recently it seems I am having this conversation in my head and with my clients pretty dang frequently. I am coming to realize that it is in the way of many people.  In the way of people fully realizing what makes them happy, from uncovering their true value in their place of work, or from being satisfied and fulfilled with their home life.  Unfortunately, when we do this we lose the capacity to be truly grateful for what we do have.  And, we no longer are striving to create the life that would makes US happy…we chase someone else’s definitions of success, happy marriage, family, fun, etc..  Interesting enough, in my work I find that often times the one being chased is in the same boat…no real definition of success and in some instances wants more fulfillment…they actually don’t have it all or have it all together as we assumed.

I have spent the better part of the last 13/14 years trying to define who I am, what drives me, satisfies me, and what jazzes me.  I have tried to define what success looks like for me.  I have given real thought to what my relationship with money is.  I have not only given thought to but taken action towards creating the marriage and family life I want.  Yet, I still was thinking about buying a new car when doing so would not have contributed in a positive way to any of my definitions. 

I often am having conversations with business leaders that talk about “growing their business”.  They throw out big numbers and talk about how they will rank among their competitors.  But when asked why they want to make “x” amount of money they can’t provide any real explanation.  And when asked why they started the business in the first place, they have lost sight of that as well.  Further probing and  what usually gets uncovered is they have gotten caught up in wanting to be bigger, better, faster and have never slowed down to define success, happiness or what their purpose is.  If you did these things first, constantly revisited them along the way and then grew your business, the view from the top would look much different.  Far too many people have grown a business only to find that it did not create happiness or satisfaction…the view from the top was far from breathtaking.  My coaching sessions with such people are eye opening…not only for them but for me too.  Unfortunately, in may instances these business leaders based their plan on wanting to be like someone else.

Then, when I am coaching someone or having a deep conversation with a friend or loved one,  I find again that when probed, so much of their unhappiness or feeling of insignificance stems from them comparing themselves to other people or what they think the “norm” is.  They compare their skill set to someone else’s and create a story in their head that there skill set is inferior.  They talk about their brother who has the perfect home life. Follow me?

I want to point out again that I am not simply talking about having nice things.  In most cases all of us want nice things.  Furthermore, I want to help people grow their businesses….I just want them to be rooted to a reason and deeper purpose if they are going to do so.  I suppose what I am saying is I will buy a new car when it feels right to me.  Not when it is driven by some comparison I have made.

Interesting.  The above type of comparisons not only push us to buy or do things not in line with our core being but they prohibit us from doing many things as well.  I could use starting this blog as an example.  I spent many months comparing myself to other people.  I concluded that I couldn’t contribute anything worthy to my readers compared to what was out there.  I looked at many blogs and was blown away at how attractive and comprehensive they were.  How the hell could I compare?

The gym is another perfect example of what I am referring to here.  Many people commit to losing weight to be more healthy, have more energy to play with their kids, or raise their self esteem.  Great reasons!  Then they get to the gym, start comparing themselves to other people there…and quit.

These comparisons are damaging.

As I write this I am feeling as if I could write chapters about this and share many stories. Stories about my own evolution and stories of people I have sat with.  Over the years the above has wreaked havoc in my head and in my actions. I am thinking about things like what is true power, authenticity, picturing myself at my own funeral and who would be there and what would they be saying? What would I be saying and doing if I were dying?  Would I be happy with how I spent my time, money, and what I represented? How, in certain instances, we compare ourselves to others to make ourselves feel better.  This thing is clearly unwinding for me and far too much for one blog post.

My main takeaway…

STAY TRUE!

When I slow down enough and settle in to my mantra of STAY TRUE I quickly realize I am a pretty simple guy. Well, complex in thought and emotion but simple in terms of what drives me and makes me tic.  When I start to feel off balance, unsuccessful, unsatisfied, or insecure it usually is because I am comparing myself to someone else or drifting out of my lane. When I can root myself in the fact that I am simple, love quiet time(or not so quiet) at home with my family, want to feel good and integral about the work that I do, understand that I am driven to make money to provide security and life experience for my family, and am committed to helping change the lives of the people and companies I spend time with, I can make better decisions and act accordingly.

It is important to note that I am not saying we should not look to other people or businesses for inspiration, as role models or the like.  Nor am I saying to not “enjoy the ride”.  I am simply saying connect to the right and deeper reasons for doing or not doing something.  I apologize if my thoughts are somewhat scattered for this post.  As it unraveled for me I realized that there is actually a lot more to this than I originally had in my head.  I can only hope what I have put forth resonates for you and encourages you to slow down and look at your motivations in life and in leadership.

To think all this started because I was thinking about buying about a new car 🙂

Please share your thoughts in the comments section.  My apologies for what I think is a scattered (and long) post but my hope is people’s thoughts could add clarity to what became a more complex thought for me.

Stay True,

Ted

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